“Art is two things: a search for a road and a search for freedom. it’s very hard to get freedom. you know all these things in life keep crawling over you all the time, so it’s very hard to feel free.” 

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“Nobody knows what makes good art. As an artist, when it happens, you’re grateful, and then you get on with it.”

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“The place where I had freedom most was when I painted. I was completely and utterly myself.”

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"I am a collector of souls…if I hadn’t been an artist, I could have been a psychiatrist.”

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- by Alice Neel -

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Life is a painting, you can keep changing it as you want.

I think my world of painting  reveals a cosy darkness.
I guess we should embrace the darkness within us and accept it.

“every artist dips her brush into her soul and paints her hidden places..” quote by someone

it is important for me to value the feminine inside of me, which i have all my life neglected..
some relationships teach you the hard way, to value something hidden inside of you that still remains unrevealed,
that is awaiting for your attention. like a small child inside, that is waiting to be noticed and waiting for your care..

I want to reach the Beyond State. Beyond attachments with people or situations, beyond relationships,
kind of like the Buddhist perspective of non-attachment. To discover my inner solid rock from which nothing will push me off.
perhaps my art is kind of like this solid rock.

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Narcissists
I find Narcissists very intriguing people. Another species almost. They live in a utopic fantasy of their own and their foundation is a False Self.
They have no real identity and they keep changing according to the different states of their false self. But isn’t it interesting
that their self is always false? Their world is distorted. The fantasy in which they live completely alienates them from reality.
Yet, they learn to live with that as if it is real,  and whomever gets near them and tastes a little bit of their fantasy is then faced with a unique challenge;They are faced with a mirror image of their own hidden self, their dark side. 
My narcissists were my mentors.  They broke my false mirror into pieces and then I was left with a dark, cold, painful reality.
I was left with my own true self, face to face with her and she had been neglected for years. Now it was time to notice her. She was in pain for years but I couldn’t see it. She was just waiting for me to awaken enough to realise what was going on inside. This self is my inner little girl and she learnt well to hide her frustration over the years behind repetitive patterns, addiction, self destructive behaviours, anger, alienation, sadness…
The only positive tool that she can use productively , that makes her feel good, is art making. There she can be herself and she can play for as long as she likes without anyone’s approval. Through my art she finds her freedom. That is why I think creativity and expression are very important aspects of human nature and we should all reach at some point that creative period in our lives, because for me it is the best way to release the small hidden child in us. 
And once it is released, we find peace, relief, we come to terms with it, it doesn’t seek our attention negatively anymore,
we give it justice and thus it becomes joyful; we can be happier and freer now and life turns into play...

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The speeding mini cooper

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At 2.00 am, at the red light, he stopped next to me on the left,

before that he was sticking on my ass with his strong white lights;

I dind't care.I had to look at the driver, had to, because I wanted to see who that pain in the ass driver was, sticking on my tail...

Loud rock music, scruffy beard, in his 45s, smoke surrounding him, cigarette in his mouth, pissed at the world...

no wonder why he was that asshole .. sticking on my car's ass.

still, I felt him. I have been pissed at the world all my life.

I felt him. I get mad too behind the wheels, after midnight.

I get mad at this oblivious world continuing to live in this modern flat way, as if nothing is wrong. It's all good... I like the pissed and mad ones, at least they have something to say...

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Hot summer nights…

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I like the hot summer nights when the main sound is crickets and cuckoos. when you can lay outside under the night sky and you don’t need to cover yourself, you feel your clothes sticking on your body, you can just relax and allow your body to feel the nightly warmth. 

Everything slows down and is calm. Nature expands  and its creatures succumb to the numbness of the heat. I wonder what it’s like in Arizona during the summer…I have always imagined what it would be like to live in a desert place, in a caravan, alone , with two-three  animals;  my back yard would be the vastness of the desert, my ceiling would be the starry black sky. 

The hotter it gets the more I like it, and I always worry that winter is lurking around the corner, and that worries me. Going through another lockdown winter… it feels threatening and suffocating. 

Summer for me is Freedom. Especially its nights when you can go out wherever you want and wonder about freely, and others are doing the same, without thinking about time, or work, or deadlines, because it is as though everything is being postponed for the winter. I don’t like winter. It’s too serious. Summer is playful. Laid back.I wish every month where I live was summer. Maybe I need to move to Arizona… 

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FIRE

the smell of fire everywhere,

im sick and tired of watching my land turn into a burnt match stick . a slow summer death...

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HUMANS

they are a confused species, who live in the darkness for now.

when will they escape the prison cave? when will they stop dancing with their shadows? the fire light is right there, in their eyes; they only need to look deeper, into their wounded souls...

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SELF REFLECTION

Who am I to judge others? I cannot. The more I begin to find myself and my deeper inner core, the more I accept and understand myself. Thus, I empathise more with other human beings. I think the true nature of humans is love and when we manage to feel that with our own selves, then we can feel it all around us, with other humans too. I decided one night to be friends with my wounded inner child. And I can honestly tell you, since I have been on this journey, I feel much closer and much more connected to human beings around me. I stopped judging others, and I am learning to accept everyone as they are with their faults, fears, insecurities, craziness, dissociation, immaturity, rashness, anger, anxiety, disillusionment, different backgrounds, different religions, different world opinions ... We will all be deluded about the world we live in, until we truthfully understand our own deeper darker selves who are patiently waiting to be uncovered , by  ... you.

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